Baby On Board (from our November 2009 issue: here is the full text accompanied by the photos we couldn’t fit in the mag)
Words by Tim O'Connor. Photography by Dave Chami
Let me give you a little introduction here and tell you a bit about myself. My name is Rune Busenitz, and I came out of this guy Dennis Busenitz's dangly sac not all that long ago. I still cry 407 times a day, minimum, and I mostly drink mammary milk for sustenance. Even though I don't fully speak English just yet, I've somehow been commissioned by the suits at TWS to write the article for this last adidas trip that I went on. But seeing as I don't have the proper functioning motor skills in place to actually type this sh-t up, I had to go and get my boy Tim O'Connor to help my li'l life out. He's translating my "goo goo ga gaa"s and typing up my baby thoughts as I dictate them to him. Low five to my man Tim, 'cause my ass can't reach them high ones!
I (Rune Busenitz) got to go on this last trip because what the hell else is Dennis gonna do? That nonstop sweaty father of mine sure as hell can't put me in a kennel, so I demanded that he grab the Baby Bjorn, strap me up, hook me up with a passport, and take me and my soft spot to Europe. By the way, you got to see my passport. It's hilarious. It's this ridiculously official document with just my nondescript baby head on it that could easily be any Caucasian baby in the world. It's pretty tight. And I got mad stamps up in that joint already, yo! I'm a regular international playboy and my age is still measured in months. You've been alive forever and barely left your hometown! Haha to you, you pubic-hair-havin' goons!
Barcelona was where all these older non-sh-tting-in-their-diaper adidas heads met up to begin this skating/video premiere trip. The video that was being premiered was adidas' Diagonal, featuring the European team with a full part from my poppa Dennis as well. The American heads had a trick or two thrown in for good measure just to let the peoples know that they're one big loving family even besides all the different geographical circumstances of birth. Speaking of birth… mine was just the other day, and when I came out I was simultaneously popping a bottle of bubbly to celebrate the fact that I now exist. This world is way iller than before, now that I'm here.
Barcelona was pretty sick and I got to see some of the famous spots like Parallel, where my patriarch got down and dirty with some proper skateboard wheelies. He was going unnecessarily fast for a manual and throwing down nollie frontside flip fakie mannys among innumerable other two-wheel skateboard tricks. I also got to meet some of the other guys that all wear the same shoes like Lem Villemin, Pete Eldridge, Silas Baxter-Neal, Raul Navarro, Chewy Cannon, and a couple of the other heads that popped their lives in on the trip for a couple of days. I gotta take my sun hat off to Silas though, 'cause that pasty sonofabitch flew straight from another skate trip in China smack dab into the middle of this adidas trip in Europe. He looked like a dead body for a couple of days, but he was somehow able to pull it all off. Anybody else probably would have just died from all that insane traveling. We should give him a "traveler of the year" award as well. Let's get the ginger another sash or ribbon or something.
After being in Barcelona for about three or four days, we flew to the motherland so that we could do some skating in Berlin. We would also be hitting up a contest called the adidas Skateboard Clash at the Skatehalle Skatepark in Berlin. The Diagonal video would be premiering at the park once again while we were in town as well.
Something I found out while I was in Berlin is that Germans apparently get really annoyed when you make too many Nazi and Hitler jokes. The whole thing is really a moot point seeing as none of us were even near being alive at that time and all of us have nothing to do with any of the historical events in any which way, shape, or form. Tim understood that this was a sensitive subject when some of the Germans told him how some American photographer hung out with them and wouldn't shut the f—k up with the Hitler jokes. Tim being the sensitive guy that he is, understood when he was told such information about the other guys getting annoyed by an abundance of Hitler humor. So when he got a chance he grabbed himself a Sharpie and proceeded to draw Hitler 'staches on every last human in one of the German magazines that was lying around in the car. Everybody got a Hitler 'stache in the mag regardless of whether they were black, white, female, or just some innocent dog in the background. This was funny to me and I almost spit Gerber out of my nose when I got to see the magazine. Word to the wise… don't tell Tim what annoys you, 'cause then he'll be all up in your pet peeve to entertain himself.
I rode in my stroller to the Skatehalle Skatepark one day to watch the grown-ups do some moves in their amazingly stylish adidas shoes. The contest was the next day, and after my pops Dennis skated the course for five minutes, they should've just given him the trophy right then and there. He murdered the place, and the contest should've just been a contest to see who comes in second. Plus, my dad was so sweaty that they had to have an infinite number of ShamWows on hand to sop up the sweat that he was spraying everywhere. If he kept going, they would've had to cancel the contest due to him flooding the goddamn park. ShamWows are great though! They're made in Germany, and you know those Germans make great stuff!
While we were in Berlin, coincidentally Nestor Judkins was in town and he came out skating with us on one of the days. It wasn't a planned thing to meet him there, but we were happy to have him and his doo-wop hairpiece on the scene. Nestor scored himself a buttery backside flip out of this hard to skate dish spot while Petr Horvat did a super sexy frontside flip out of it as well. Mr. Eldridge got a tre-flip documented, which I'm sure you'll be seeing photographic evidence of in this article. He did it well and with really good posture and overall spinal alignment.
Around this point we all thought the trip was done, but before we wrapped things up we decided to hit up one last spot that was super sketchy with oodles of crust. Silas got his magical ginger powers flowing, where most other people would've probably ended up being hospitalized if they dared to skate this obstacle made to injure people. The ground at this spot was rougher than wiping your ass with sandpaper, but somehow Silas was able to get enough speed to hit this bank with nails sticking out of it and nosegrind a round balance beam of doom into another bank where dodging a neck slicing booby trap that was in the landing zone. It was by far the craziest trick that went down on the trip and I gave Silas a sip of my Similac 'cause he deserved it. When he landed, we all clapped for the hero of the day and headed back to the hotel so we could get ready to fly back to our respective domiciles.
So this is my first official article. There might be more in the future, but I hope my next Pulitzer award-winning piece can be scripted in straight up crayon. I just have to learn to write first. Peace for now, you f—ks. Dennis has to wipe my ass with a moist towelette at the moment and then powder my beautiful baby buttocks.