Words and Photography by Carleton Curtis
(BURBANK, CA) — “This is crazy. This is crazy. That’s all a bewildered Jereme Rogers could say to me on the red carpet. No doubt, the first-annual Arby’s Action Sports Awards was a surreal scene: paparazzi were screaming for Paris Hilton’s attention (while also asking Terry Kennedy who exactly he was), Access Hollywood was scrambling to interview double-backflip-boy Travis Pastrana, Jamie Kennedy was running around with panties on his head, and Andrew Dice Clay was in full shtick mode. Like Pam Anderson’s titties, this definitely wasn’t natural, but it made for one hell of a spectacle.
The most traumatizing part of the evening for me, hands down, was trying to grapple with the paparazzi for the perfect snaps. These people are exactly what you might think: shark-like, sleazy, and the nastiest pricks on Earth. They’ll say absolutely anything to get a celebrity’s attention and absolutely anything if someone gets in their way. I’ll use myself as an example. Apparently, I got in a female paparazzo’s way (who just happened to be about 300 pounds) and she laid into me like John Cena would a WWE buster. John Cena was there too, by the way. To make a long story short, she called me an idiot, a f—kwad, and pretty much every other diss a jaded obese woman could have up her XXXL sleeve. The paparazzi are seriously unbelievable and deserve every right hook Alec Baldwin has landed.
But back to the event. The show was taped last night but won’t be airing until December 10 sometime in the afternoon on FOX, presumably after a football game. So if you don’t want to know the winners, I’d advise you to stop reading now, because the list is below. The categories ranged from the straightforward (Best Skateboarder Of The Year) to the straight questionable (Huevos Grande Award). I can say there was no “Best Roast Beef award, which is pretty wack considering Arby’s was the main sponsor.
Anyhow, the boys from Jackass were the hosts and they did a pretty good job keeping things funny. The celebrity presenters, on the other hand, didn’t seem to know much about skateboarding or the other action sports involved at all. Besides from the famous people listed earlier, those who also required the assistance of the teleprompter included: Wilmer Valderrama, Dennis Rodman, Xzibit, Moon Bloodgood (that chick from the new show “Daybreak), Tommy Green and “My Name Is Earl’s Nadine Velazquez. There were other sports included in the event too, but who really gives a damn? So enjoy the photo slideshow to the left, I know I did.—Carleton Curtis
MALE SKATEBOARDER OF THE YEAR
Ryan Sheckler (presented by Jamie Kennedy and Paris Hilton)
Tony Hawk (presented by Pamela Anderson)
FEMALE SKATEBOARDER OF THE YEAR
Lyn-Z Adams Hawkins (presented by Jamie Kennedy and Paris Hilton)
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
Nyjah Huston (presented by Bob Burnquist and Marley Shelton)
CHECK THE SLIDESHOW TO THE LEFT FOR THE WILDNESS.
(And check Fox out on December 10th for the actual show.)