éS Give-a-way

We’ve got two head to toe éS packages to give away. This stuff is nice, too! So write an essay explaining why you should win. Make it funny, make it intelligent, make it stand out from all the others and you’ll get hooked up. Keep ’em under 200 words. Email to blair@twsnet.com. Deadline is next Wednesday, July 28.

Winners of last week’s best joke contest:Michael Jackson and blondes seemed to be the most popular target, but here’s a fun collection of laughers. There were a few that were just a tinge off-color, but thanks anyway.

Winner #1

Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter awaits them. The first is Albert Einstein,”You are on the list, but how can you prove that you are Einstein?”
He writes E=MC2 and is let through the gate.
The next is Leonardo Da Vinci, and for his proof he draws a picture and is let in.
Then George W. Bush comes to the gate and he says, “I dont have any documents to prove who I am, but you just let two guys in before me and—”
“They were Einstein and DeVinci…”
“Who are they?” asks Bush.
Immediately, “You can come in.”
—Greg Chulaki

Winner #2

A guy went into a car dealership and wanted to check out a new car so he talked to the salesman and the salesman said the new radio system in the car will play music from the genre that you speak out loud, like if you say “rock” it plays Metallica, etc. As the guy is checking out the car, a few skateboarders are skating outside the dealership, so the salesman yells, “F—king kids!” and the car plays Michael Jackson.
—Mike Rodriguez

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents’ bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you’re bouncing up and down on him.”
His mom is taken by surprise and says. “Oh… well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”
The boy says, “That won’t work.”
His mom says, “Why?”
The boy replies. “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!”
—Lance Hula

A boy asks his father, “Daddy, is God a man or a woman?”
His father answers, “Well, God is both.”
The boy asks, “Daddy, is God black or white?”
The father answers, “Well, God is both.”
The boy then asks, “Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?”

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, “Can you help me when you get home?”
“Sure,” he replies. “What’s the problem?”
“Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can’t even find the edge pieces.”
“Look on the box,” he said. “There’s always a picture of what the puzzle is.”
“It’s a big rooster,” she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, “Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box.” 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,”OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large… all in the name of humor.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little person on your knee!”
—Justin Eisler

First year students at Med school were receiving their first anatomy classwith a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table withthe body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it isnnecessary to have 2 important qualities. The first is that you not bedisgusted by anything involving the human body.” The Professor pulled backthe sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuckhis finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told hisstudents.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually tookturns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “Thesecond important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger andsucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”
—Derek Dixon

What’s a redneck fortune cookie?
A piece of corn bread with a food stamp baked inside.
—Adrian Camuti

What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother after she gave him a sweater?
 Gee, you knit?
—James Karhu

What do you call an am skater without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
—Conor Smith