The Nate-o Odyssey

So humans I am back. Drove across the damn US from killer cali to hot ass AZ full of crazy road side stuff such as the “THING” and cactus that is 9 feet tall, to nuclear trucker filled New mex down to the chemical plant and dog piss and fried meat air smelling long flat roads of doom known as Texas, to the alligator eating Cajon Katrina wrecked Louisiana  over to the home of the blues such great acts as led belly and muddy waters known as Mississippi then just a stones toss to the pan handle where the red necks talk in such a hard hitting voice and have such little amount of teeth they sound like snakes that are chewing gum when you try to buy gas. Then down to Orlando home of Disney and drunk guys named Titas that love fast food burgers   at 3 am and setting off fire alarms in hotel rooms at 5 am. 

So if you been paying attention You know that I have the best fiancée   on earth. She is one amazing women and it would take me about no less than 70 pages to define to you humans why so I will just save you the sappy shit and get to the point due to the fact Blair and tw do not have the server space for my 70 pages on why she is the most gifted women on earth lets just put it like this she is so brilliant she got me a Chrysler   300 fully loaded at Dollar rent a car unlimited miles and full covey insurance for over 2 weeks for under 300 bucks. Trust me she can find anything on the web in 4 seconds flat if there is a deal out there on anything from hotels to nuclear war heads she can find it before you can spell it. So I picked up my Car at the spot and I told them some shit about how I was going to drive to Tuscan AZ to see family but What they did not know I was about to put over 6 thousand 400 miles on there car according to the odometer after I got back. So on my way to Fl from SD sounds easy well It is not unless you are Neal Mims who did it two times this year or a trucker who smokes meth chances are you will go insane by the time you hit Texas. So I kept seeing this big ass yellow billboard that read “THE THING” EXT 622. from fucking el Centro to Tuscan Az  so after 8 hours of being road brain washed I had to see the thing I mean what could it be. A mummy a fucking native American mummy over 700 years old found in the desert as they were digging for silver in the hills of the choco canyon some crazy hillbilly thought it would be cool to have it in his gas station so there the mummy was right next to the soda fountain and snickers candy bars. Only in the US could a dead corps be degraded to a gimmick to sell tooth  killing food. So on word my vessel sailed as I hit new Mexico home of the firework stand All I could think was Damn Jeremy Klein would pass out if he went here. I bought some M 80s and some bottle rockets and kept the ride whipping then I was off to the mountains of doom later known as the vampire mountains this is where truckers are and they do not want no fucking city slicker in a car with cali license plates to roll threw they will tail gate you turn on there hi beams and basically make life hell for any motorist that does not have a trailer. Now I know why they tested nuclear bombs in the new Mexico desert.  Then it was off to Texas shit that is a big state 2 days to just threw it. I went to Johnson city home of LBJ and then the long horn café home of the 4 pound blt. And then to Huston home of mike Jones. So after like 2 days of that shit It was over to Lafitte LA. Home of pagans Cajon restaurant the best damn aliskater I ever ate, given I never ate alligator before It was much like fried chicken but with green shit in it. The crazy fuckers had a tank where you could pick out your own baby aliskater and fry it up just like at red lobster but with alligator but the full size ones were on the menu as you can see here.    

Then after 12 hours of driving over and under Katrina damage and around barns yes  barns on the bed of trucks I got to Alabama and missippie the 2 states went by so fa I barely finished by master p cd by the time I drove threw them both. Then there was the pan handle nothing there but bitter guys who hate yanks, then I made it to Orlando and There was my bride to be. So happy and full of joy I made it there in one peace. Here is her side of the story…—Nate Sherwood

Well, I was flying in style on this trip and looking forward to drinking Bucks Fizz (champers and OJ) in the upper class lounge and downing the litre bottle of Baileys on the flight! Oh and i couldnt wait to get to my destiskation Florida to see the love of my life, the one and only Nate-o!

Arrived at Gatwick Airport (London) and the first thing my dad said to me was ‘Are u coming for a year?, you have got 2 bloody suitcases we are only there 6 days!’… A girl can never have enough shoes and clothes right? 

Bumped into Beppe DeMarco at the airport if any of you watch ‘Eastenders’ (a soap opera set in the East End of London) you will know he is an actor from that a few years back – a sex symbol or so he used to be, but that once good looking guy looked ragged and old now, still that didn’t stop my dad saying ‘My daughter wants her picture taken with you’ erm hello, thanks dad!! Now u have made feel like a 12 year old meeting her all time heart throb, if only that was the case!!

Anyway, drank far too much Baileys on the plane, well there was nothing else to do and its free so i thought what the hell! Then I passed out after calling Nate at 35 thousand feet from the plane which was pretty cool, although I did call him like 20 times until he finally picked up, his excuse was he was skating and he didn’t hear the phone! Oh well $200 wasted listening to his answer phone message isn’t a biggie, hell no it was my dad’s credit card! 

Arrived in Florida a little nervous yet very excited about meeting my man and introducing him to my family members, but it all went better than expected, I mean it’s not everyday my dad gets called Sir by a blonde, freaky (yes but your my freak) slightly insane,  skateboarder.

So, i will say this my dad was pleasantly surprised and looking forward to getting to know Nate better.We got to my dad’s place and ya know got some drinks for us all JD and coke and baileys all round, the guys started playing snooker whilst i watched. My bro Matt and Nate against my dad and his best mate Brian playing doubles. After watching them play about 20 games sitting there bored shitless i might add, oh and by this point I’ve nearly finished dad’s 2 litre bottle of Baileys so I’m rather tipsy, we head out for some food, we hit the nearest place which was the Olive Garden, the food was rad, the company even better, 3 of my favourite people were around me and were getting along like a house on fire! Oh and did i forget to mention one of those three was a Prince Harry look alike – If you have seen the English Royal Family you will know Prince Harry is Prince Charles’ son – my dad, Brian and Matt were calling Nate his Royal Highness throughout the meal, check out Harry’s pics on the net he bears a striking resemblance, and i’m sure when Nate comes over here in March for 6 months we will be able to get lots of freebies as him impersonating the prince himself.  

The next couple of days were filled with trips to breakfast buffets, lazy days and erm put it this way not leaving each others side for one second. I couldnt quite understand why people were calling me John Wayne – maybe it was the way i was walking, i dunno! Still who was i to complain, i had the best 6 days ever.

We decided to treat ourselves to one night at this luxurious hotel, the next morning we arrived for breakfast in the restaurant and they had all the Disney characters and yes as we walked past Goofy Nate is like ‘Oh Goooooooooooofy, how ya doinggggggggggg’ and yes that was in the dog voice, i was laughing hysterically but everyone around was just looking at us like ermmmmm who’s the freak she’s with! Even Goofy had to take a second look and probably thought WTF is up with him! But fuck them ya know – it was all fun and you would have laughed if you had been there, honest! oh until Nate said ‘I’m gonna ask Minne Mouse what noise she makes when Mickeys giving her one’  Hmmmmmmm Nate only you could ask a question like that! I just thought to myself right any minute I’m gonna have Goofy, Donald Duck, Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse all beating the shit out of Nate and seeing that kinda sight i wouldn’t know wether to laugh hysterically or grab Minnie Mouse by the ears and beat the shit out of her back! Luckily it didn’t come to that and i managed to persuade Nate to finish his eggs and bacon and then get the hell outta there! 

Sunday was the night of my Christmas works party on a boat in Tampa, Nate, and I got dressed up to the nines and was all ready for a good night, although Nate nearly had to get redressed as he decided to spray cologne 1/2 an inch away from his shirt so there was this huge great big wet patch on his new shirt, i called him an imbosile and then got the hair dryer on it quick sharp! Got 3/4 of the way there and could u believe it i forgot my bloody camera! So we had to hunt for a store that sold disposable ones and picked up four, used them throughout the night but still aint got them developed, too much hassle! Anyway, back to the party, the drink was flowing, the music was rocking and the food was edible, it was ok but i like my steak well done and it was swimming in blood but hey there’s always baileys on ice right? I see my dad and Nate having a heart to heart so decide to leave them to it, afterwards they both approach me obviously at different times to tell me what they were speaking about – all good i might add, infact all bloody excellent. My dad’s like in my ear for 30 minutes saying how great he thinks Nate is and how lucky I am to have met such a kind, caring human being – i’m like hell yeah dad i know. With that my dad adds, you know Sammie if I weren’t bloody married i would marry him myself! hahaha he definitely sees son in law material in the Nate-o and his parents have told me the exact same thing about me they want me to walk their son up the aisle and get him outta their house once and for all! infact Nate’s fantastic mum even said to me ‘You know Sammie, you are the only lady that Nate has brought home that i actually really like’ which was a great compliment and i was very taken aback, saying that tho i have seen pics of some of Nates ex’s and im sure he was blind for half of his life! Just kidding ladies your all gorgeous ;o) 

So with that night over and Monday beginning its time to head home back to London whilst Nate embarks on his 5 day drive back to SD, poor fucker i feel so bad living it up in first class drinking champers whilst he’s on dirt roads dealing with dirty truckers, pikeys with no teeth, and hobos asking for his box of breakfast cereal which they have spotted in Nate’s car.  

Still as the Nate-o would say himself…… Good times baby, good timesssssssss!!

Until next time – February 2006 to be exact!! :o)—Sammie

Check the slideshow for more pics!k and probably thought WTF is up with him! But fuck them ya know – it was all fun and you would have laughed if you had been there, honest! oh until Nate said ‘I’m gonna ask Minne Mouse what noise she makes when Mickeys giving her one’  Hmmmmmmm Nate only you could ask a question like that! I just thought to myself right any minute I’m gonna have Goofy, Donald Duck, Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse all beating the shit out of Nate and seeing that kinda sight i wouldn’t know wether to laugh hysterically or grab Minnie Mouse by the ears and beat the shit out of her back! Luckily it didn’t come to that and i managed to persuade Nate to finish his eggs and bacon and then get the hell outta there! 

Sunday was the night of my Christmas works party on a boat in Tampa, Nate, and I got dressed up to the nines and was all ready for a good night, although Nate nearly had to get redressed as he decided to spray cologne 1/2 an inch away from his shirt so there was this huge great big wet patch on his new shirt, i called him an imbosile and then got the hair dryer on it quick sharp! Got 3/4 of the way there and could u believe it i forgot my bloody camera! So we had to hunt for a store that sold disposable ones and picked up four, used them throughout the night but still aint got them developed, too much hassle! Anyway, back to the party, the drink was flowing, the music was rocking and the food was edible, it was ok but i like my steak well done and it was swimming in blood but hey there’s always baileys on ice right? I see my dad and Nate having a heart to heart so decide to leave them to it, afterwards they both approach me obviously at different times to tell me what they were speaking about – all good i might add, infact all bloody excellent. My dad’s like in my ear for 30 minutes saying how great he thinks Nate is and how lucky I am to have met such a kind, caring human being – i’m like hell yeah dad i know. With that my dad adds, you know Sammie if I weren’t bloody married i would marry him myself! hahaha he definitely sees son in law material in the Nate-o and his parents have told me the exact same thing about me they want me to walk their son up the aisle and get him outta their house once and for all! infact Nate’s fantastic mum even said to me ‘You know Sammie, you are the only lady that Nate has brought home that i actually really like’ which was a great compliment and i was very taken aback, saying that tho i have seen pics of some of Nates ex’s and im sure he was blind for half of his life! Just kidding ladies your all gorgeous ;o) 

So with that night over and Monday beginning its time to head home back to London whilst Nate embarks on his 5 day drive back to SD, poor fucker i feel so bad living it up in first class drinking champers whilst he’s on dirt roads dealing with dirty truckers, pikeys with no teeth, and hobos asking for his box of breakfast cereal which they have spotted in Nate’s car.  

Still as the Nate-o would say himself…… Good times baby, good timesssssssss!!

Until next time – February 2006 to be exact!! :o)—Sammie

Check the slideshow for more pics!