Concrete Llamas: This is not a contest article.

I ended up with a shredded shirt held together by a fork, sliding around on a stolen couch inside a van that was repeatedly ramming Dirty Jesus’ Ford Bronco. After about the seventh impact, concerned neighbors came out in their pajamas to watch the spectacle, at which point the van was “hidden” two blocks away. The cops found the van pretty easily, and I’m going to give you a little bit of advice: Stay away from the Denver Mischief and Mayhem Committee. These guys pull this type of hijinx every night and they make that Jackass show seem more like Pokémon. Just pray that these jerks someday get out of jail long enough to buy a video camera.

Here’s some more advice: if you pretend that you know how to take photos, you can get free airplane tickets. My tickets took me to the Colorado Concrete Challenge Contest in the mile-high mountains of Colorado, but don’t start thinking this is a contest article. While the practice sessions were going off in the mountains, I was actually drifting through the plains of Denver with locals Ryan Millard, Jerrod Saba, and Travis La. This was all part of my secret plan to take street photos and make a contest article not be a contest article.

Speaking of contests, the next time you decide to bum-rush a bunch of llamas, remember that they never brush their teeth, rarely drink water, and constantly lick each other’s anuses. So when one of these ridiculous creatures spits in your face, you’re basically bummed. Guess what? On the way to the contests a llama spit in my face. Well, not exactly. I was screaming at the goofy bastard, and it actually hawked one into my mouth and face. This defense mechanism is very effective and instantly induced dry heaving. I took this as a sign to get back in my rental car and roll to the first contest in Breckenridge, but that in no way means this is a contest article.

All you need to know about Breckenridge is that it has a perfect park with bowls and hips that slash-dawgs in So Cal would kill for. Another thing you need to know is that Alan Peterson is one of the best skateboarders ever. Alan skated all day, routinely busting 360 judos, huge backside airs, and fakie roll-ins into the deep end. Chet Childress was ripping every nook and cranny with speed, and his long bluntslides across the hip were perfect. But in the end, Omar Hassan’s flawless run and smooth style took the first-place prize.

Holy shit, that was a one-paragraph contest wrap-up. I should get an award for that. Watch this, I’m going to one-up myself with super short contest coverage for the Salida park.

Alan Peterson¿He’s the best. He won.

Swamp Dawg¿This guy ruled. He escaped from the swamps of Louisiana and was ripping with shoes that looked like they were cardboard held together by duct tape.

In case you care, they also took the people who scored the best in both contests and gave them more money. The crew I was with didn’t care that much, so we headed back to the plains to get some more street photos. This was cool because we wouldn’t want to make another boring contest OUCH! F¿K! Dude, why did you knife-chop me in the throat? I know we’re past deadline¿I’ll have these words to you in a second. Just calm down, bitch.

The next day, I took photos of Colorado Springs ripper Micah Hollinger. This kid has some crazy tricks up his sleeve, just check his part in that Out Of The Blue video to see what I’m talkin’ about. We ended up cruising around Denver for a while, then minutes before I had to catch a plane the indestructible Travis La five-0 grinded this gnarly twelve-stair concrete ledge at least three times. It was pretty dope … OUCH! Okay, Dwayne just punched me in the face because these words are way past the deadline date. Just remember, don’t chase llamas, stay away from Dirty Jesus’ Ford Bronco, and this is not a contest article.¿Shad

Breckenridge, Colorado Results1. Omar Hassan $1,5002. Chet Childress $9003. Brian Patch $7004. CChris Senn $5005. Alan Peterson $4006. Jeremiah Worm $3007. Geth Noble $2508. Ben Crahn $2009. Brewce Martin $15010. Bryan Pennington $100

Salida, Colorado Results1. Alan Peterson $1,5002. Ben Krahn $9003. Omar Hassan $7004. Chet Childress $5005. Chris Senn $4006. Brian Patch $3007. Al Partanen $2508. Chad Simon $2009. Mark Liscak $15010. Jeremiah Worm $100

Overall Results1. Omar Hassan $3,0002. Alan Peterson $1,8003. Chet Childress $1,4004. Ben Krahn $1,0005. Brian Patch $8006. Chris Senn $6007. Jeremiah Worm $5008. Al Partanen $4009. Geth Noble $300 10. Mark Liscak $200