Dortmund’s Smoke-filled Dungeon: Perspectives from a Chachie droid

Disclaimer: Please excuse the brevity of the following article. The Fonzie unit we sent to cover these contests experienced a malfunction and has been recycled. Please consult his thesis if you’re curious about these circumstances. To make up for this, we directed an inferior Chachie droid to fill the pages with text. Thank you for your continued patronage.¿TWS Industries

Usually I get passed up for these assignments because I have what’s been diagnosed as a “selective memory.” Selective in the way that I usually ramble about non-events that never happened in the “fantasy-land” section of my brain that doesn’t exist. My name is Chachie, and for the duration of this article I’ll try and be as nonselective as possible.

The first real event I really noticed was all the ten-year-old German children who were chain-smoking with their parents. It made me very happy to see families bonding and sharing common interests. I think this is something American families can truly learn from.

I’m sorry, that was a rather selective piece of information. I’ll just jump right into the skateboarding section of the article. Okay … here we go … let’s do this … Bastien Salabanzi is the best. He won. He’s fourteen and he makes you and me look stupid. Well, not really. He only won the best-trick contest, but he’s still the best, and you really do look stupid on your skateboard compared to him. He did kickflip frontside boardslides down the rail like nothin’, kickflip backside tailslides with ease, nollie 180 heelflips over hips every time, and nollie heelflip noseslides because those are required. When the Flip video comes out you’ll be forced to forget about that Tom guy and buy millions of Bastien’s pro-model shoes, boards, and leg warmers.

Oh! The course layout always fills up at least a paragraph. I saw a bunch of ugly plywood ramps that sucked, some crappy ledges, and a death rail that went from the vert ramp into a long, steep bank. The death rail was great, and most people were too scared to do it. But Oggy Souza 50-50’d that thing, and he doesn’t even have legs. Well, actually he does have legs, but they don’t work. This is true, really. What I’m sayin’ is that Oggy can wreck shop. He was throwin’ 360 flips to fakie and clearing a ten-foot gap that made the crowd go nutters.

Perhaps the greatest thing about the contest was the crowd participation. Everyone was puffing so many cigarettes that they didn’t even need to activate the smoke machine to give it that “trippy” atmosphere. It was like being on stage at a rock concert except there wasn’t any rock music, and you weren’t actually on stage and, uhhh, yeah, like, Motörhead f¿king rocks!

For some reason I didn’t develop lung cancer, so I followed everyone to the clubby club to do the rubby rub with the local chickens. This is why you should travel to foreign countries. You can cover up the fact that you’re stupid with the fact that you don’t speak the language. Most girls will be flattered that you’re making an ass out of yourself trying to talk to them. They’ll talk back and just use you to improve their English-speaking skills. I thought for sure I’d leave there a with a girl on my arm and my lungs filled with black tar, but I was wrong. I left with two girls, Marika and Johana. Yeah, I thought I was pretty cool too until they dropped me off at my hotel and drove away. Apparently asking for a ride back to your hotel in Germany means you’re just asking for a ride back to your hotel.

As far as the contest goes, Eric Koston won because he had the freshest pair of sample color kicks that only he could get¿plus his run was flawless. He started by ollieing from the vert ramp to bank followed by a funny frontside shifty grab onto a quarterpipe platform. From there he skated around busting a nollie crooks here, a switch heelflip there, and ended by kickflipping into a ten-foot-long noseslide. The crowd would have cheered and gone crazy, but they were too busy playing the official sport of Germany¿synchronized chain-smoking. Anyhow, as I conclude this assignment, try not to think of the following list as the contest “winners.” Think of it as “the people who got their asses kicked by Koston.”

The people that got their asses kicked by Koston

2. Ryan Johnson3. Rick McCrank4. Rodil De Araujo5. Dayne Brummet6. Kyle Berrard7. Brian Anderson8. Caine Gayle9. Paul Machnau10. Jaya Bonderov

Vert

1. Bob Burnquist2. Pierre Luc Gagnon3. Rune Glifberg4. Andy MacDonald5. Max Schaff6. Rob Boyce7. Sandro Dias8. Omar Hassan9. Buster Halterman10. Brian Howard