Gasbag: Closing Time

“Attention shoppers, Skateboarding is now closed.

“At this time we’d appreciate it if you’d start heading toward an open check-out lane to make any final purchases. If you need assistance getting the kung-fu-grip skateboard action figures from the upper shelves, an employee will be glad to assist you. Likewise, if you’re having trouble lifting a copy of the newest TransWorld SKATEboarding into your shopping cart, forklifts are available near the entrance.

“Can’t locate our skateboarding video-game section? That’s because it’s been moved to a 148,000-square-foot blimp hangar in Coshocton, Ohio due to space considerations. But if you’re interested in buying the only good skateboarding game out right now, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater IV can be found on Aisle 23 between the Mattias Ringstrom Pro-Model Crock Pot and the Paul Sharpe Home Nollie Enhancer.

“We apologize that our public skatepark department was closed all day, it should reopen again tomorrow … or sometime next month. We’re currently discussing this matter with the local police department and PTA, who say they’ll be happy to reopen it as soon as skateboarders openly admit to being valueless societal trash. We’ll keep you posted.

“If you own a company that manufactures deodorant, acne medication, or disposable razors, and you’re looking to sell your poorly made crap to young people, simply fill out an advertising contract, which can be found next to the pharmacy. Make sure you write, ‘To get a slice of the pie before it’s all gone’ on the line that asks, ‘What’s your purpose for advertising to skateboarders?’ When you’ve completed the form, simply bring it to a register, and a checker will assist you.

“To those customers who own skate-related Web sites: big deal. Who doesn’t?

“Tomorrow’s Bargain Buy will be on complete setups imported directly from Asian sweatshops. Real simulated-wood decks, plastic wheels, and smelt pig-iron trucks, fully assembled, and a steal at just $29.95. This way you can avoid paying the wasteful one-dollar-per-board royalty to a struggling pro who’s been living in a closet in North Hollywood for the past year, eating one meal a day.

“The management thanks you for choosing us as your one-stop place to shop for all your daily necessities. Have a nice life.

” … Oh yeah, and if you own a lowered Lincoln Navigator with a 400-gallon neon-backlit fish tank in the rear cargo area, license-plate number 2DOPE4U, you’re parked in front of the delivery entrance, and you’re about to be towed.”┬┐Shift Manager Joel Patterson