We all seem to have a different concept of God. Is he a pissed-off old white guy? Is he a mellow, chubby Chinese guy? Does he order the bombing of foreign embassies? Or is it all just a bunch of crap? In this issue of TransWorld, confirmed-Catholic-turned-disbeliever Kevin Wilkins interviewed some of skateboarding’s superstars in order to find out what they think about this whole God thing.
To get in the spirit of working on a piece that involves religion, we went on-line, where all religious texts live in perpetuity, and read what could quite possibly be the single most wacky version of God and the universe¿the book of Genesis. In case you’re unfamiliar with it, Genesis is the part of the Bible that chronicles God’s creation of everything (including “creeping things,” seeds, and light) in a little less than a week.
The following are excerpts from Genesis, along with our interpretation of what the author might have been trying to get across:
Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
Interpretation: God needed a project.
Genesis 1:3 God said, “Let there be light.” And there was light! God saw that the light was good, so God separated the light from the darkness.
Interpretation: God has bad night vision.
Genesis 1:9¿10 God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place and let dry ground appear.” It was so. God called the dry ground “land” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” God saw that it was good.
Interpretation: God speaks English as his primary language.
Genesis 1:11¿12 God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: plants yielding seeds according to their kinds, and fruit trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds.” It was so. The land produced vegetation¿plants yielding seeds according to their kinds, and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. God saw that it was good.
Interpretation: God is very concerned with seeds and the phrase “of their kinds” which becomes redundant and tiresome in a law text book sort of way. Rumor is a sentence with the phrase “kind seeds” was edited from an earlier draft, because the publisher was concerned with the possibility of getting pulled from WalMart’s news rack.
Genesis 1:20¿22 God said, “Let the water swarm with swarms of living creatures and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky.” God created the great sea creatures and every living and moving thing with which the water swarmed, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. God saw that it was good. God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds multiply on the earth.”Interpretation: After reading this marvelous piece of scientific narration, it’s hard to believe school’s are allowed to teach children that commie hogwash about the theory of evolution!
Genesis 1:24 God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: cattle, creeping things, and wild animals, each according to its kind.” It was so.
Interpretation: By “creeping things” it’s believe the author is specifically referring to IRS auditors, mall security guards, and sea cucumbers. It’s also rumored that “creeping things” replaced the phrase “whack shit,” which again concerned the publisher.
Genesis 1:26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, after our likeness, so they may rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move on the earth.”Interpretation: God’s use of the plural “we” and “us” is a mystery to many biblical scholars. Many think he’s referring to himself and his then girlfriend Bambi Alfaro¿a stripper from Fresno who he met at a baccarat table in Vegas.
Genesis 1:28¿30 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply! Fill the earth and subdue it! Rule over the fish of the sea and thee birds of the air and every creature that moves on the ground.” Then God said, “I now give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the entire earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the animals of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to all the creatures that move on the ground-everything that has the breath of life in it¿I give every green plant for food. It was so.Interpretation: Political scientists consider this the first-ever argument in favor of capitalism. It has since transformed, and the message in its current state reads: Whoever dies with the most money wins.
Genesis 1:31 God saw all that he had made¿and it was very good!Interpretation: Does that include genetic diseases and Skate Stoppers?
If you’re interested in what pro skaters think about the concept of an all-powerful being/force/entity/whathaveyou, check out “Do You Believe In God?” which starts on page 177. Amen.¿Joel Patterson