Seven Honkies And A Random Black Man

by Brian Wenning and script-doctor Super Tim O’Connor

We all met up in Philly to go on this tour thing, except for Larry Kubiyak and Richard Pryor. Anyway, on our way out, I looked out the window only to see a big-ass session going on at Love Park. I felt as if I was missing something and that maybe I should have stayed and skated Love. On tour, people usually get sick of each other’s existence, so in an attempt to stop this feeling (or at least slow it down), I brought some new comrades into the picture for fun, laughs, and mayhem!

McDuffy: The Aussie who floated up onto the beach near my house in New Jersey was my first choice and a must-bring. He can sleep for days, but if you wake him, forget about it, it’s all over. You can’t sleep or have peace and quiet while he’s conscious. He’s like a freakin’ Furby¿he won’t shut up for one second. This is why I needed him on this tour that I was about to embark on. I even have some crazy footage of McDuffy trying to pickpocket Bruce Springsteen at a custard stand around my way. The only way to calm him down is to steal his magical do-rag, but we’ll get back to McDuffy later.

Skelebone: (A relative to Skeletor, He-Man’s archenemy) Skelebone hasn’t seen sunlight since 1987, so we needed a veteran of an evil dimension to come along on the tour. Ever since Masters Of The Universe stopped running on TV, he’s been kind of depressed. So this trip will allow him to dabble in his old mischievous ways and hopefully brighten his outlook on life once again.

Rubber Robbie: Rubber Robbie comes on every tour, so there’s no explaining this master of chaos except for the fact that he somehow organized a meeting with Britney Spears at a McDonald’s near the Canadian border. So I felt I should seize the day and take advantage of this opportunity before it was gone. (Little did I know I’d be chilling with Britney again in NYC a week later. P.S. Watch out! She tries to get you drunk with the devil’s juice!)

Our first stop was Albany, New York. This place is crazy illegal, and the cops there are maniacs. The highlight of Albany was witnessing with my own two eyeballs lesbian skater girls kissing and administering some tongue to one another. I know that’s the last time I’ll see that shit go down. Oh yeah, Rob “New Shoes Every day” Pluhowski ollied some thunders, too, and Anthony “Mr. Burns” Pappalardo ollied a bump-to-gap in the ghetto. Later on, Pat “Baby Thug” Corcoran backside tailslid the hottest rail in Upstate New York. Also, Mr. Kerry Getz did a frontside boardslide at the fairgrounds. After that, Skelebone dared him to ride on the sketchy roller coaster with a mouth full of cotton candy after eating a half gallon of Country Crock butter-like spread. He took the dare and ended up choking. The helicopters came and took him back to Philly. I heard he was throwing up for five days straight.

To help add more craziness to the tour, Mr. O’Connor (who’s alter ego Mr. McDuffy was already on the tour) and Richard Pryor, a.k.a. Ian Reed, teleported to our hotel room the next day. This is when things immediately started to get out of hand. Once McDuffy and Skelebone heard Tim and Ian were coming, they immediately came out of depression and into what the sane refer to as “reality.”

The next stop on the map was a McDonald’s just outside of Canada, where we were supposed to meet up with Britney Spears. I seriously couldn’t believe I was about to meet her in person. I thanked Rubber Robbie for this great opportunity, allowing my dreams to come true.

I was last to enter the joint, and as I grabbed my number-two value meal and sat down, I noticed some tension between Larry Kubiyak and Curly from The 3 Stooges. Apparently, Curly mistakenly hit Kubiyak in the head with his pet flying fish. As we rolled out of Mickey D’s to meet Miss Britney, I was starstruck! Apparently, A.C. Slater was at the drive-thru with his welded-together half-Firebird half-Camaro.

There seemed to be some argume in the car; when I took a closer look, I saw that Moe, Larry, and Curly were in the backseat arguing over the O.J. Simpson case. Not believing what I was seeing, I reacted quickly and broke out Lumber Jack’s VX1000 to document the insanity. Once A.C. noticed I was filming him (fisheye-style, of course), he got out of his car, took the camera out of my hands, and proceeded to instruct Curly to tell me, “You’re going down, preppy.”

By this time, Rubber Robbie and Britney were already outside watching. Trying to show off, McDuffy got up in A.C.’s grill and stabbed his right bicep with a fork, which deflated his muscle and sent him off like a balloon. Without hesitation, McDuffy jumped into the car, sped off, and the half-Bird half-Camaro took flight.

After seeing that Twilight Zone-type scenario, I was still somehow hungry. Gee wouldn’t stop talking about the new veggie burgers they have, so all ten of us walked back into McDonald’s, where Chunk (from The Goonies) was behind the counter taking orders. Gee got his autograph, and then Chunk warned us about the food. He asked us if we’ve ever eaten a human-leg burger, so we left.

Next stop was the Canadian border. On the way there, Gee wouldn’t shut up about picking up a hitchhiker. We saw like fifteen of them on the way up to Canada, so we finally picked up some maniac that resembled McDuffy. We made him rock a yellow do-rag and strapped the dude to the roof with an umbilical cord we found in a hospital dumpster. By the way, his name was Don Mattingly¿well, that’s what we called him, because he had a Don Mattingly haircut (a Kentucky waterfall).

I’m sick of New Jersey and sick of writing this article. My writer’s-block syndrome has been with me for two days, so I’m gonna sum up the end of the trip. We got to the border, and the damn border-patrol lady made us pull the van over because she noticed a life-form of some sort wearing a rubber bondage mask with lubricants smeared all over its body. That was Rubber Robbie up to his wild pranks once again.

Next thing I know, everyone was strip-searched by the lady, and to Rubber Robbie’s delight, we were probed with a night stick in our various body cavities. I gave her a Habitat sweatshirt to divert her attention from the wide array of illegal paraphernalia Don Mattingly had in his knapsack, which included one switchblade, three blow-up dolls, tanning cream, one Accomadator, six bloody-nose rags … I think you get the point. He had an arsenal of crazy devices that are taboo. Just think how down for skating most kids are¿they have their skate shoes, skateboards, skate bag, skate shirt, all the essentials. So in other cultures, like Mattingly’s, they are down just like us. So you gotta show respect to their sport.

Now we’re in Montreal. It’s raining, and Gee’s driving around trying to find a hotel. (Note: When Gee’s driving around trying to find a hotel, try not to get mad, he has narcolepsy. He tends to nod off for a few brief seconds and then regains consciousness in the nick of time to save us from a near-fatal crash every four minutes. It also usually takes him three hours to find a nice, cheap hotel. And his choice of music is always blaring in your ears¿Offspring, Puff Daddy, Nirvana, and of course his favorite, 2 Live Crew. He’s okay, though. He chills with Britney, so I hear he’s cool now. RyanGee.com.) That’s enough about the Gill.

Now we’re in Canada, and it’s nighttime. Some peeps are dead tired, some are feeling the call of the wild. So McDuffy and Skelebone decide to find some new friends to chill with. When they return, they tell stories of prostitutes, squatters, heroin addicts, porn-shop experiences, and rumor has it they’re getting a spot on Howard Stern in November.

Oh yeah, and they left their room key in the club they went to, so they shot a bottle rocket through the key hole to wake everyone up. After all this happened, the only cool stuff that went down was backyard bum wresting at a local Montreal skate spot where you can ollie a lady in a Lark (the little old-people go-carts that allow them to travel at one mile per hour).

We also went to Maine, Boston, and Rhode Island, but not much happened due to Mother Nature. Baby Thug did grind a sixteen-stair Hubba rail joint, where upon landing he commenced to punch a drunken local in the chops for laughing at him on one of his previous attempts.

Oh yeah! Ron Jeremy had a guest appearance with the leprechaun on karaoke night, but apparently the leprechaun was ball-gagged, and Ron Jeremy was arrested for possession of an illegal ten-pound ball gag. Rumor has it they then escaped from the police and are hiding out at the Brooklyn Banks, eating expired Lorna Doone cookies for the sheer love of it!

resting at a local Montreal skate spot where you can ollie a lady in a Lark (the little old-people go-carts that allow them to travel at one mile per hour).

We also went to Maine, Boston, and Rhode Island, but not much happened due to Mother Nature. Baby Thug did grind a sixteen-stair Hubba rail joint, where upon landing he commenced to punch a drunken local in the chops for laughing at him on one of his previous attempts.

Oh yeah! Ron Jeremy had a guest appearance with the leprechaun on karaoke night, but apparently the leprechaun was ball-gagged, and Ron Jeremy was arrested for possession of an illegal ten-pound ball gag. Rumor has it they then escaped from the police and are hiding out at the Brooklyn Banks, eating expired Lorna Doone cookies for the sheer love of it!