Slam City Beatdown

words via Crafty Bernardo (Shad’s evil twin brother)

When security limped away from the battle zone, I noticed one guy had a couple of swelling lumps on his forehead¿making it look more like a fivehead. I found this very entertaining, as did the huge stadium crowd that was going beserkers. But when I saw Arto knocked out on the ground bleeding, I was instantly scared for the kid. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself, this story is supposed to be like 2,000 words, that’s what my brother Shad says. So let’s rewind a bit, SSFRFRFRFRFRWEWEE (rewind sound).

First off, I’ll let you know I’m pretty stupid. Let’s start with getting off the plane and going through Canadian customs:

“Passport, please.”

“Don’t have one.”

“Birth certificate?”

“Nope.”

“Place of birth?”

“Ummm … Petaluma, California.”

“Do you have a California ID?”

“Nope.”

“What do you have?”

“An expired Colorado ID with the lamination completely worn off.”

“Are you stupid?”

“Yes.”

“…Next time bring a passport, stupid. Welcome to Canada.”

Word. Stupid was about to peep the Slam City Jam Contest. All I had to do was pretend I was my twin brother Shad and write a little article about it. But right now all I need is a ride to the hotel. Where da bus at? There it is, clink (That’s the sound of Canadian play money being deposited for the bus dude.)

“You need one more loonie.”

“Loonie?”

“Dollar, the gold coin with the loonie bird.”

“Oh.”

Three loonies got me to my hotel. My room was on the 30th floor and had a balcony. I felt kind of loony so I let a flock of loonies fly out the window. Then I rabbited down the elevator and onto the street to see if the loonies stuck in the sidewalk. No luck. I expressed my disappointment to the guy at the front desk and asked for a room on the 50th floor. He quickly schooled me about why a higher hotel room wouldn’t do me any good and broke out the formula for terminal velocity (terminal velocity equals the square root of two times mass times gravity divided by the drag coeffcient times density times the cross-sectional area). “A cat reaches its terminal velocity at around the sixth floor, but cats have been known to survive falls from as high as 40 stories.”

Really?

“They accomplish this by spreading their legs, thus increasing the drag coefficient and slowing their descent.”

No kidding?

“Plus the smart bastards always land on their feet or in a bush.”

Da Bus A big shout-out to the Vancouver’s public transportation system for introducing me to some of the loony people you find on da bus. A girl sat behind me and said, “Can you tell me what this says?” I checked her homemade necklace and saw the letters Y-E-L-A-H.

“I think it’s backward or upside down.”

“Oh! It’s supposed to say Haley.”

Haley had the gift of gab, and I quickly found out she used to “dance” and had about 30-grand in the bank, but today she was bed shopping. I told her how I have the best bed in the world, the kind that you can drop bowling balls right next to my head, and I won’t feel it¿”independent coil reflex.” I fronted to be a bed expert and said I’d help her out.

So there we were at “The Bay,” looking at Sealy Posturepedics with the salesman rambling.

“Pre-compressed cotton felt.”

Haley was bounce-testing the beds.

“Overlapping torsion-bar modules.”

Bounce, bounce.

“Coils with triple-offset design.”

Bounce, bounce, bounce.

“Multi-needle quilting with super-soft foam.”

Bounce, bounce, bounce … bounce.

“Free delivery.”

Sold. Haley pulled a fat stack of Canadian cash out of her pocket and bought a bed for 1,500. I know, I know. You just want to hear about the fight. Where’s that fast-forward button?

SFREEEEFFFRERFWE.

Beatdown

If you’re wearing a shirt that says “Security” and are dumb enough to try to regulate a skate contest, you should consider changing into a shirt that says “Punch Me.” During practice Arto caut his wheels on the super launch-ramp obstacle, flew forward and knocked himself out, only to be greeted by his board coming out of orbit and clocking him in the dome. Now, when your boys knock themselves out and are bleeding, your first reaction is to rush over and help them. But some security nerd wearing the “Punch Me” shirt thought he was tough ‘n’ stuff and started pushing people away from Arto (in the process accidentally kicking Arto in the head). Basically, he pissed off the wrong crew (Vallely) and got served up multiple punches to the face¿the crowd loved it. He might want to consider changing his name to Lumpy or Egghead, because he was really swelling up. One anonymous pro phrased it like this: “Mike’s just got a short fuse.” Other than that, I think I saw some good skateboarding behind the wall of filmers and photographers. Can’t wait to check out the video footage to see what happened. Okay, I’m ’bouts to hit the fast-forward button, SFRREEEEEEEGGHE.

Da Bus II

Dropped a twonie (two-dollar coin) and was back on da bus for day two. That’s when Christine the gerbil smuggler sat next to me. She has two pet gerbils and she’s not allowed to take them on the plane with her when she moves back to Halifax. It would cost 600 loonies to ship them there, so she’s just going to smuggle them back. She has it all figured out. When she goes through the metal detector, she’ll hide them in her jacket. Then she’ll switch them back to the gerbil house in her carry-on luggage when she gets on the plane. Pretty smart. I wanted to encourage her criminal career, so I gave her my wristband so she could sneak into the contest. At this point in the article Shad has asked me asked to talk about the actual skateboarding.

Trainwreck¿Alex Gall stepped to the cyclops rail pretty quick. He threw down solid frontside boardslides and Smith grinds.

Farm Boy¿Another good nickname. Jud Heald ollied to noseblunt on the vert wall, then grabbed and popped back into the quarterpipe. Yee-haw!

Killa Moe T-shirts¿The front said, “Where’s Moses?” and the back said, “Banned from Slam City.” Any questions?

McKrills¿Backside 180 melons over the launcher, switch hardflip with pop over the hip, switch crooks on the ledge, switch 50-50 on the flatbar, and then a nosegrind down the mini rail with his eyes closed and hands in his pockets … you get the idea.

“Fro”nandez¿Chad Fernandez decided to fight the cyclops rail by throwing down multiple feebles and five-0s. After twelve rounds, I’d have to say Chad won.

Atomic rubber bouncing balls¿Someone was throwing rubber bouncing balls from the nosebleed sections. They bounced all over the joint and cracked many a spectator in the head. It was great.

Getz some¿Kerry had the quick cat-like reflexes to bust back-to-back trick combos. Kickflip up the box, lipslide down the rail, heelflip varial on the bank, frontside half-Cab flip over the hip, then a frontside flip over the other hip¿and that’s all in like twenty seconds.

Silly girls¿A crew of Canadian girls sitting next to me were pulling smuggled beer out of their socks. Who the hell?¿Ryan Johnson was flowing. Skating fast and flawless, Ryan took on the upturned roller-coaster rail with smooth 50-50s and then did whatever else got in his way.

Gentle Giant¿Brian Anderson is dope. He skated with a ton of style and just wrecked the street stuff. Long backside tailslides across the ledges, half-Cab feebles down the mini rail, and real deal feebles down the tall-ass cyclops rail. When Brian rolls through, you’d best get out the way.

Sheffy¿Sean had a blue wig, cowboy hat, and was schralping the course with a push-scooter.

L.A. Lakers

What happened after the qualifiers? Well, it seems like seven out of ten skaters live in L.A. these days, so seven out of ten skaters went to the bars to check the Lakers playoff game. Three out of these seven skaters said they could see Atiba on the sidelines shooting photos of the game, while the other four out of seven were talking to the waitresses. Did I mention there’s a tremendous amount of beautiful women in Canada? SFREEEEEFFEGWEE.

The Finale

Arto had his hoodie on and his hand bandaged up, but he looked like he was fine. He was checking out the contest and chilling with his homies. Everything was going great until Shad called me up on my cell and started being a little baby: “Dude, don’t screw this up. Make sure everybody thinks you’re me.”

“Calm down.”

“Dude, I’m serious, make sure you’re writing down all the tricks that were pulled, dude.”

“Whatever.”

“Dude, come on, you’re gonna get me fired, dude!”

“Why do you say ‘dude’ so much? You’re such a dork … dude.” Click (hanging up on my dork brother sound).

After dealing with my annoying brother, I noticed there were some serious judge haters in the crowd. The final results seemed a bit wacky, but I overheard one anonymous contestant phrase it like this; “F¿kin’ motherf¿kers just be throwin’ down saftey runs and shit. Everyone just doing grabs and crooked grinds? Man, f¿k that.” I just thought I’d throw that qoute in there to see how much it gets edited down. Personally, I thought the judging wasn’t too bad, but here’s the results, dawgs¿woof-woof (barking sound).

Street1. Ryan Johnson2. Alex Gavin3. Kristian Svitak4. Alex Chalmers5. Chris Senn6. Eric Mercier7. Dave Hupp8. Kerry Getz9. Jesse Paez10. Rodrigo Tiexiera

Street Best Trick It’s always great to see people break themselves for 30 minutes straight. The only problem is that a lot of crazy tricks go down that don’t get noticed. Like that fat kid in row G who fell down the stairs and slid on his face for like 28 feet.

1. Ed Templeton¿Ed 50-50ed across the top ledge of the funbox and ollied off to boardslide down the rail. The evil monkey lurkers in the crowd hailed their champion.

2. Alex Chalmers¿Chalmers! His name should be a synonym for going big. Chalmers went Chalmers and busted a 360 Indy with a kickflip in the middle. 3. Alphonzo Rawls¿Alf was like, “I know I can frontside 270 to lipslide down this rail” and the rail was like, “Yeah, right,” and Alf was like, “What?” and the rail was like, “Let’s see it,” and Alf was like “Boom!” and the rail was like, “Ohhhhh! That was tight.”

Vert1. Bob Burnquist2. Andy Macdonald3. Sandro Dias4. Colin McKay5. Cristiano Mateus6. Max Dufour7. Lincoln Ueda8. Renton Millar9. Danny Way10. Rune Glifberg

Am Shout-Outs

Cazwell Berry might have a ponytail, but he still destroyed the street course. With his tweaked-out grabs and handrail smackdowns, I think we’ll see more of this kid. Oh, don’t forget that Trainwreck wrecked the rail, and Chris Cole broke out some hardflip late kickflips over the hip.

Slam City Ams 1. Cazwell Berry2. Alex Gall3. Rodney Jones4. Adam Alfaro5. Gianni Zattoni6. Clint Peterson7. Jake Nunn8. Judd Hertzler9. Chris Cole10. Tony Dasilva

It’s a known fact that nobody actually reads contest articles. So if you’ve come this far, I’d just like to congratulate you on your superior attention span and SFREEEEEGHE (fast-forward to me-at-the-airport sound). “Passport, please.”

“Don’t have one.”

“Birth certifacte?”

“Nope.”

“What do you have?”

“A tired-ass Colorado driver’s license.”

“What? Are you … “

“Stupid? Yes.”

“Next time bring a passport, stupid.”

“Late.”

d see Atiba on the sidelines shooting photos of the game, while the other four out of seven were talking to the waitresses. Did I mention there’s a tremendous amount of beautiful women in Canada? SFREEEEEFFEGWEE.

The Finale

Arto had his hoodie on and his hand bandaged up, but he looked like he was fine. He was checking out the contest and chilling with his homies. Everything was going great until Shad called me up on my cell and started being a little baby: “Dude, don’t screw this up. Make sure everybody thinks you’re me.”

“Calm down.”

“Dude, I’m serious, make sure you’re writing down all the tricks that were pulled, dude.”

“Whatever.”

“Dude, come on, you’re gonna get me fired, dude!”

“Why do you say ‘dude’ so much? You’re such a dork … dude.” Click (hanging up on my dork brother sound).

After dealing with my annoying brother, I noticed there were some serious judge haters in the crowd. The final results seemed a bit wacky, but I overheard one anonymous contestant phrase it like this; “F¿kin’ motherf¿kers just be throwin’ down saftey runs and shit. Everyone just doing grabs and crooked grinds? Man, f¿k that.” I just thought I’d throw that qoute in there to see how much it gets edited down. Personally, I thought the judging wasn’t too bad, but here’s the results, dawgs¿woof-woof (barking sound).

Street1. Ryan Johnson2. Alex Gavin3. Kristian Svitak4. Alex Chalmers5. Chris Senn6. Eric Mercier7. Dave Hupp8. Kerry Getz9. Jesse Paez10. Rodrigo Tiexiera

Street Best Trick It’s always great to see people break themselves for 30 minutes straight. The only problem is that a lot of crazy tricks go down that don’t get noticed. Like that fat kid in row G who fell down the stairs and slid on his face for like 28 feet.

1. Ed Templeton¿Ed 50-50ed across the top ledge of the funbox and ollied off to boardslide down the rail. The evil monkey lurkers in the crowd hailed their champion.

2. Alex Chalmers¿Chalmers! His name should be a synonym for going big. Chalmers went Chalmers and busted a 360 Indy with a kickflip in the middle. 3. Alphonzo Rawls¿Alf was like, “I know I can frontside 270 to lipslide down this rail” and the rail was like, “Yeah, right,” and Alf was like, “What?” and the rail was like, “Let’s see it,” and Alf was like “Boom!” and the rail was like, “Ohhhhh! That was tight.”

Vert1. Bob Burnquist2. Andy Macdonald3. Sandro Dias4. Colin McKay5. Cristiano Mateus6. Max Dufour7. Lincoln Ueda8. Renton Millar9. Danny Way10. Rune Glifberg

Am Shout-Outs

Cazwell Berry might have a ponytail, but he still destroyed the street course. With his tweaked-out grabs and handrail smackdowns, I think we’ll see more of this kid. Oh, don’t forget that Trainwreck wrecked the rail, and Chris Cole broke out some hardflip late kickflips over the hip.

Slam City Ams 1. Cazwell Berry2. Alex Gall3. Rodney Jones4. Adam Alfaro5. Gianni Zattoni6. Clint Peterson7. Jake Nunn8. Judd Hertzler9. Chris Cole10. Tony Dasilva

It’s a known fact that nobody actually reads contest articles. So if you’ve come this far, I’d just like to congratulate you on your superior attention span and SFREEEEEGHE (fast-forward to me-at-the-airport sound). “Passport, please.”

“Don’t have one.”

“Birth certifacte?”

“Nope.”

“What do you have?”

“A tired-ass Colorado driver’s license.”

“What? Are you … “

“Stupid? Yes.”

“Next time bring a passport, stupid.”

“Late.”