Destructo Give-away

We’re giving away some sweet Destructo Railkiller trucks this week. So you have to prove you can kill a rail to get them. Send in the best picture or video clip of your rail murder. Videos have to be in Quicktime format. Send forensic evidence to Deadline is next Wednesday, August 4th.

There were literally hundreds of essays sent in last week for the éS packages. Most were whiny sob storie that were quickly deleted--creativity and wit won out. Here are the winners (text was left unedited):

I believe that I am a fine candidate for the éS contest because I am the only applicant truly dedicated to becoming a walking billboard for Transworld Skateboarding and éS. Others may have given compelling reasons such as “I have no money and “dude, I really need it. While this is also true for me, I would be willing to actively advertise for these excellent companies.

As an entering freshman at The Ohio State University, I would be in a position to impact the purchasing decisions of over 40,000 students. If only two percent of the students bought an éS hat or subscribed to Transworld, that is an additional $16,000 in revenue*, which considerably outweighs the cost of this prize package. Furthermore, I would gladly skateboard around while wearing poster-board that advertises the companies, and would send in pictures if desired.

Think of this as not just another product giveaway, but as a potential business transaction. I am very impressed with the quality of these companies, and am eager to become a free advertising tool.--Nicholas Strnad,The Ohio State University

*Based on the $19.95 subscription cost, and about the same for a hat.

I know it sounds like an ass-kisser, but the research in this one was impressive.--Ed

There is an axiom called Achem’s Razor which suggests that thesimplest answer is the correct answer. I have no heartfelt story or tale ofhardship that would necessitate you giving me the es package. With that inmind back in April or May I was stuck in English class and we were havingan intellectual discussion about the use of hyperbole in literature. I wasvery impressed by the scholarly atmosphere in the classroom. My teacherproposed that the use of hyperbole in literature is omnipresent. The classwas left speechless when my friend, Dan Stangl, chimed in with the mostpunctual, most brilliant comment of them all. He interrupted, “I think thatanyone who uses hyperbole can shampoo my crotch. Shakespeare couldn’t havebeen more eloquent.

I agree with Dan. I have no tall tale for you nor do I need to usehyperbole to convey my message. In accordance with Achem’s Razor myreasoning for winning this contest is simple. I love skateboarding.

My love for skating is pure. I started skating about two years ago.Everyone else that I skate with has been skating for eons compared to me,but I don’t care. I suck compared to them but, once again, I don’t carebecause I realize that skating is about having fun. Skating isn’t about thetricks, it’s not about numbers of stairs, it’s about having fun. Straightup. I’ve learned to laugh at myself when I fall; I just get back up and tryit again. I know that I will never move out to California and get sponsoredand go pro, as so many kids dream. I know that I will probably never be asgood as my friends, but that’s cool because I have fun.

I have a summer job at a college where I work nine hours a day and getan hour for lunch. I skate every day on my lunch break sometimes I don’teat. I might be tired or hungry but the truth of the matter is I wouldrather be skating.

Essentially I have a genuine love for skating. I’m not trying to feedyou some bullshit story or use hyperbole. Don’t get me wrong I want to winthe Es package but there is another motive for writing this essay. Peoplecreate these stereotypes about skaters, that they’re dumb, that they can’tread or write, well we’re not dumb (I do know some dumb skaters but damniitI know some smart ones too!). So Transworld, I ask that you follow Achem’sRazor and chose the simplest answer. Even if my essay does not win the Espacket I would hope that you publish this to help overcome negativestereotypes.-Dan Schwartz, West Sand Lake, NY

Funny and intellectual, this one was a winner from the get-go.--Ed