Wanton testicular damage has long been a mainstream and kiddy favorite. Keeping things highbrow, the following, in no particular order, are 10 ripely aged/bruised classics. From our November issue on sale now.
Words by Mackenzie Eisenhour
1. JEREME ROGERS
GIRL YEAH RIGHT!
Might as well start with a banger. Michael Jackson's high-pitched vocals chime in like clockwork as young Jereme makes himself some literal chesticles. Luckily for us all, J Casanova's crooning whisper rap voice escaped the incident unharmed. Or did it?
2. BAM MARGERA
CKY LANDSPEED WHEELS
"I don't ever want to feel…like I did that day." Pre-Jackass Bam's ode to the Chili Peppers in the 411 ad pretty much summed it up. This nollie lip attempt (also the CKY intro ender), turned sack-to-faceslide is downright brutal. On the upside, it probably helped make him rich.
3. JOHN CARDIEL
TWS SIGHT UNSEEN
Cards is a healthy addition to any 10, even this one. The fact that he almost escapes by tightrope walking down the entire rail, only to slip and sack right at the bottom makes this classic Sight Unseen slam more memorable than the make. See Quim Cardona in Eastern Exposure 3 for the tightrope make.
4. ED TEMPLETON
TOY MACHINE WELCOME TO HELL
Welcome to Hell may as well have been named for its slam section. In addition to Maldonado's violent sack at the Brooklyn Banks rail, and Jamie grinding his teeth down via the face slide, Ed's full frontal modeling of his bruised testicles remains a difficult image to forget.
5. ERIK ELLINGTON
ZERO MISLED YOUTH
Ellington's missed front board to backward sack on the chest high Belmont Hubba in Misled Youth is one of those slams you still just cringe at. After the perfect spread eagle freefall onto the kink, the shot of him crouching afterward is as powerful an image today as ever.
6. MARK APPLEYARD
Usually as graceful as a swan, Appleyard shows a rare glimpse of mortality in the opening seconds of his classic Flip banger. While many may have been shocked by the brief loss of flawlessness, the situation was quickly remedied by one of the best parts of all time.
7. STACY LOWERY
In Shigeo's words, "This was everybody's nightmare." While Lowery's slam may have initially looked no worse than any other on this list, his blood-soaked jeans resulting from an actual ruptured testicle right afterward make this entry perhaps the worst sack caught on film to date.
8. RYAN DECENZO
It was actually hard to choose between Ryan's violent Hollywood 16 specimen in the main intro and the spectacle of his nollie board rack with two black eyes in the intro to his part. On stair count and family jewel impact seniority, I'll give this one to the famous grounds of Hollywood High.
9. CHAD MUSKA
Chad Muska, Vancouver, 411, '99
The late 90s rail explosion seems to have landed some hefty real estate on this list. According to Aaron Snyder, when Chad got back from his Vancouver trip, he was convinced this crowd-silencing sack-to-blackout-inducing head smack would garner more coverage than anything else he did that year.
10. LEO ROMERO
EMERICA STAY GOLD
When people credit you with launching a new genre of skating, you might as well pioneer its subsequent slam too. Leo's iconic up sack and near board to face smack made the DVD back cover and headlined the Stay Gold ad campaign, making it the most marketed sack on this list.