Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know skateboarding is supposed to be about fun first and everything else second. But there are some tricks—according to Clyde—that should, by no means, be executed in the street, on the ramp, or up a tree. Here are the worstest of the worst, as compiled by a gent who knows how to have way more fun than you.
The 10 Worst Tricks in Skateboarding
Words by Clyde Singleton
There're some tricks I'm more than glad I never learned. Invented by Steve Schneer, this has to be one of the ugliest, worstest tricks known to skateboarding. I still can't figure out why anyone would want to do an invert with both hands down, then walk around on your hands with your skateboard dangling from both feet. One time, this kid named Bruce was doing a ho-ho and the board fell. Shat cut his finger off all the way past the white-meat, to the bone grizzle. As I said, dumb and dangerous trick.
2) 180 Ollie To Switch Smith/Fakie Droopy Front Truck Grind
What the hell's this trick? The poor man's 180 nosegrind? There's NO way in Gawd's green earf ANYONE can make this trick "cool." Why? Because it takes little to no effort, it scratches lame parts of your deck up, and furthermore, it's ugly. So remember, kids, if you don't wanna be "that dude," put some leg on that front truck.
3) Pole Jam
It's not so much the trick, as much as it is who's doing it. Or where. Actually, I'll take that back. This trick's garbage. No matter said victim, or its strategically placed metropolitan location, it's garbage. Plus, I think there's some mandatory "flannel wearage" protocol all these dudes must follow, 'cause ten outta ten pole-jam photos all look the same. I really don't wanna get into feeble, switch, or boardslide pole jams. They're all just as worse, if not worse, to witness. "Jamming up polee"? (Nogh houghmeaux.)
4) Frontside 180 Flips (That Don't Flip)
When did the evolution of the fake frontside flip dawn upon us? I remember it oddly making its way into skating, around the puffy shoe/double tongue days. Nobody paid it much mind. I mean, who cares if the name of the trick is a frontside180 kick "flip," right? I could go on record and blame Josh Kasper for all this. If not, SPoT's pyramid.
5) Nollie Front-Foot Kickflip
Not only does it look putrid, there's simply way too much going on with this trick. Check it: first you snap your front foot down, nollie, straighten your body out, kick your front foot back down, redo the phones, wait for the board to flip, pull your spazzed-out leg back up, ride away with eight new holes in the strangest places your shoes have ever seen. See. Told ya. That trick's ass.
6) Wallrides On Trees
Maybe y'all can help me with this. HOW the fokk does one "wallride" a tree? Am I the only one who notices that trees don't have walls? So one more time. HOW do you wallride a tree? And furthermore, why would you ride a skateboard up a tree? Now, if someone were to actually drop into a tree (branches, pine cones, and all), we might have a conversation.
Mike Peterson completely disregarding Rule #6.
7) Blunt To Backside Disaster On Mini-Ramp
Another lame-ass trick. Remember when people useta do blunt-back-disaster-tail-stall-frontside-pivot-fakie? I do. And it was horrible. Lookt like dude was crumpin' on the coping. Back to the subject: if you ever find yourself blunt on the coping for more than 0.5 seconds,and you decide to go to disaster, please pick up your board and leave the ramp. Immediately. You herb.
Ever wonder what the hell'd make anyone take their back foot off their skateboard midair and grab the tail? Me neither. Y'all know this trick drops ya swagger levels at least four points, right? Not only does it look 'scust, but nine times outta ten, it's done by the mustiest dude in the vicinity. Terrible. I nominate this trick, as well as all photographic evidence of any persons doing it, put in a time capsule and sent to Nebular.
9) Ollie, Front-Foot Impossible
You ever ollied, tripped over your board with your front foot, then landed back on your board? Well, my friend, you have done what we in the skate community call a "front-foot impossible." If you could do me, your front shoestring, and the rest of the free world the favor of never doing that "trick" again, we'd really appreciate it.
10) "Baton Twirl"
What's it called when you pop your board in your hand, twirl that bish like a baton, and jump off the wall like Mike Jackson? I don't know either. But dayum, this is the worst trick in the world. What is that trick called, anyway? I asked at least fifteen people and no one knew. They just kept calling it "that trick where you spin your board sporadically and jump off the wall." If anyone knows the name of this horrible trick, please e-mail me ASAP.