Found in Translation

My fellow editor Ben Kelly and I were carpooling to TransWorld this morning, groggily listening to Robin Quivers broadcast the day’s news on The Howard Stern Show. In between tidbits about bestiality and Barry Bonds’ steroidal snacks was a story about Lindsay Lohan. Apparently, she had “collapsed from exhaustion” and was whisked away to a local hospital (how many times is that now, btw?). Ben and I had a good laugh, because the only time we’ve ever heard of anyone “collapsing from exhaustion” was if that person became stranded in the desert without food, water, or steroidal snacks. My point is that there is a spin on every bit of media you consume-even this First Words. And believe you me, there’s more spinning going on in skateboarding than just urethane. Here are some of the classics.

“Video dropping December 2006!”
TRANSLATION: This video is dropping sometime in 2008. And if the claim is a season (fall or winter, for example), go ahead and bump it back another year.

“Johnny Doe has decided to pursue other interests and will no longer be riding for Brand Z skateboards.”
TRANSLATION: Johnny spent more time with the Xbox 360 than his backside 360s. F-k outta here, Johnny.

“Don’t Call It A Comeback”
TRANSLATION: Johnny Doe put down his controller, stopped using drugs, finished his time in the pen, and is looking for work. So yeah, it really is a comeback.

“Fakie Nollie Flipslide”
TRANSLATION: I’m a TV commentator who has no idea what I’m talking about.

“New Mid-Top Shoe Out Now”
TRANSLATION: We totally jacked the design from the Half-Cab.

“Bonus Material”
TRANSLATION: Material that wasn’t good enough for the real video.

TRANSLATION: Skateboarder.

“Bowl Jam”
TRANSLATION: Expect to see skateboarders that are much older than you.

“Jimmy Doe is recovering from a skateboarding-related knee injury.”
TRANSLATION: Jimmy Doe is recovering from a strip-club-related knee injury.

“I’ll be confiscating your board.”
TRANSLATION: “Feel free to swing by the place where everyone hates you, spend 30 minutes filling out paperwork, another 90 minutes waiting next to dope fiends and trannys, and pay us a hundred-dollar mystery fee to retrieve your Mystery board.”

TRANSLATION: Technically, landing on one bolt is bolts.

“You can say whatever you want in skateboarding.”
TRANSLATION: I’m auto-forwarding my calls straight to voicemail as you read this.

-Carleton Curtis