Hawai’ian Vacation

The Ultimate Haole’s guide to Hawai’i.

Trip Glossary:

haole: Pronounced “howley.” According to the urban dictionary, a haole is “a pale-ass white dude trying to fit in.”

Ultimate Haole: Greg Lutzka.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin: Home of the Ultimate Haole, exact polar opposite of Hawai’i.

Hawai’i: Exact polar opposite of Milwaukee, home of the Ultimate Haole.

North Shore: Locals only, brah—no haoles allowed.

The Origin

Milwaukee, Wisconsin, “The Great American City” as it’s called, is home to the Milwaukee Brewers; numerous brewing companies; Laverne And Shirley; Liberace; the first working typewriter; the first automotive assembly line; and is the birthplace of Gregory Peck, Tom Snyder, Douglas MacArthur, and Spencer Tracy. A place filled with sights and sounds of American history, a living testament to the American Way. Could there possibly be a better place to spend ten days in the dead of winter? Well, given the fact that the temperature runs in the neighborhood of eight degrees, Mr. Lutzka (known from here on out as the Ultimate Haole) chose to join the Globe shoes trip to the North Shore of O’ahu. The trip was to mark the end of a series of 21 demos across the States and provided a perfect setting for the Ultimate Haole to showcase his fine art of blending in.

Stage One: The Fine Art Of Blending In

In order to infiltrate the North Shore in the most authentic way possible, Greg stayed as far away from the sun’s harmful rays as possible. No tanning booths were occupied—if he was to go beyond being a traditional haole and become the one true Ultimate Haole, he needed to keep his pristine bone-white flesh in perfect untinted form. Luckily, Milwaukee was in the middle of a deep freeze, the perfect conditioning agent. Upon arrival, his skin was ready for that more-than-telltale shade of red that distinguishes the Ultimate Haole from the mere common tourist—after all, common tourists use sunblock. If your skin is the color of fine bone China, then what better way to showcase it than trotting around in shorts?

Stage Two: Obvious Enthusiasm

The typical tourist has grown a bit of a defense shield in the way they sightsee—they take photos and have their photo taken but always with an air of nonchalance. Yes, they are glad to be there but won’t want you to think they hadn’t seen this or something quite like it many times before. They are, after all, seasoned travelers and nothing really surprises them. This is where our Ultimate Haole can easily pass the competition and move well ahead in the tourism race. He single-handedly raises the bar for sightseeing excitement upon crossing the road and descending on a North Shore beach only to yell back to the rest of the crew in front of a crowded family beach area that there are “sea turtles this f—king big!” with his arms spread as far as they can go. It is this unabashed enthusiasm that clearly distinguishes our Ultimate Haole from the mere mortal tourist.

Stage Three: Vibe The Locals

From the end of November through January, the North Shore is at the height of its surfing season. All the locals from all the islands descend on the shore to take advantage of some of the world’s biggest and most infamous waves. These guys are raw—what they do is staggering. Imagine skating a spot that is constantly moving, and if you fall, the entire building falls on top of you. Imagine being one of those guys, and being in your local bar, and having the Ultimate Haole standing behind you, pointing at you, and yelling for all to hear, “This guy’s a dick!” For the record, he was being a dick. Any normal tourist would’ve left. The Ultimate Haole goes for haole gold and vibes the North Shore’s ‘core locals.

Stage Four: Let Them Know

There are several options for accommodations wwhen visiting Hawai’i. Globe chose the best option available—the eight-bedroom, six-bath, two-kitchen, pool, rec room, two-balcony, volleyball court, sixteen-seat dining room, complete with kayaks, Boogie Boards, and surfboards, right-on-the-beach option—the only way to go. The house was located in a very quiet, residential area of the North Shore.

If you’re going to push the limits and surpass simple haole level and rush for the goal of Ultimate Haole, you have to make it known—make it known you’re here. Make it known you love the place. Make it known that you have jumped off the balcony into the pool (at 4:00 a.m.) not once, but 42 times in a row. If that is the feat that you’ve accomplished, let the world hear—what else have they got to do for a solid hour between four and five in the morning? It’s a weekday, after all.

Completion: The Standards

Of course, to truly become an Ultimate Haole, one must complete all the tasks of a regular haole: try to surf for the first time; Boogie Board (the Rollerblading of the sea); buy traditional tourist items like dancing dashboard hula girls, leis, Hawai’ian shirts, et cetera; take a sightseeing trip around the island in the back of a pickup truck; swing from vines in the jungle; snorkel a coral reef; hang out on the beach in jeans; get a sunburn; get burned again and again; discover sunblock; fail to use it and get burned again; eat at Cholo’s (not just for tourists, this is the North Shore spot for all); and take photos of everything and with everything.

Only after one accomplishes these standard requirements can they follow in the footsteps of the Ultimate Haole and go for the gold.